Redeeming the Post-Affair Divorce
Linda J. MacDonald
When I first began writing Redeeming the Post-Affair Divorce, I assumed the greatest challenge would be organizing decades of professional knowledge into a readable format. After all, I had already spent years counseling betrayed spouses and teaching workshops on the unique grief, trauma, shame, and spiritual confusion that often follow infidelity and abandonment.
I was wrong.
What surprised me most was not simply how difficult writing would be, but how much the process would reveal about me personally.
Although I had taken writing classes and had previously authored How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, I discovered there was still much to learn about the craft of writing. Writing a book is very different from speaking, counseling, or teaching workshops. Ideas that seem clear in your mind must be organized carefully so readers can emotionally follow the journey. I found myself revising chapters repeatedly, trying to bring greater clarity, flow, and compassion to difficult subjects.
I also learned how deeply I needed feedback from others.
My editors and beta readers became invaluable to me. Their questions helped me identify places where I had assumed too much, skipped important emotional steps, or needed to explain concepts more clearly. Sometimes they challenged me to dig deeper than I intended. At other times, they helped me simplify material that had become too complicated.
One of the most unexpected gifts came through the Zoom support group my developmental editor encouraged me to create while I was writing the book. That group became pivotal in shaping how the manuscript evolved. The members shared personal stories, struggles, and insights that broadened my understanding far beyond my own experience and clinical work. Their courage and honesty sharpened my awareness of how deeply betrayed spouses internalize blame and false guilt after being abandoned by an unfaithful partner.
Listening to them reinforced something I had taught for years but came to understand more fully through the writing process: betrayed spouses often take the betrayal far too personally. Many unfaithful spouses rewrite marital history, distort reality, and assign blame to justify their choices. The faithful spouse is then left not only grieving the loss of the marriage, but also questioning their own worth and sanity.
Writing the book also helped me bring greater order and logic to patterns I had observed professionally for decades. For example, I was able to more clearly articulate the progression that often occurs in an affair: emotional deception, cognitive dissonance, rationalization, rewriting the marital history, and eventually the dramatic personality and values changes that family members often describe as “alien-like.” Organizing these concepts helped me better understand the psychological and spiritual dynamics involved in betrayal and abandonment.
Another unexpected discovery was how collaborative writing truly is.
One of the most brilliant suggestions my developmental editor made was encouraging me to create a companion workbook. At first, I resisted. But she recognized that I was trying to include too many Scriptures and reflective exercises within the main text. The workbook eventually became the perfect place for readers to process emotions, engage with biblical truths, and work through healing exercises in a more personal and deep way.
Perhaps the most surprising revelation of all was realizing that writing about my own recovery helped solidify it even further. And, as I put together the Workbook, I grew even more appreciative of the role God’s Word played in my healing process.
More than twenty-four years have passed since my former husband’s affair and the collapse of my first marriage. I honestly believed I had already worked through every layer of grief connected to that experience. Yet while writing this book, I found that revisiting my journey with greater maturity, faith, and perspective brought another level of healing than I expected.
In the end, writing this book revealed something humbling: healing is not a single destination we arrive at once and for all. Sometimes the very act of helping others heal continues to deepen our own restoration.
Listen to Episode 8 of My Friend Writes
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